Chapters

C H A P T E R 1

Dancing to My Easel

I escaped to my small studio in Venice, California. A sharp southern light streamed in through high, horizontal windows as I passed the welcoming madras daybed. On my small steel

desk, I jotted newly sensed longings in a leather journal, put on my paint-spattered lab coat, squeezed oil pigments onto my palette, and painted with frenzy. An artist’s work should reflect her life and mine was, for the first time, mired in desire. It was as though I had been asleep, suddenly awakened as this highly charged sexual being. After all those years of deprivation, silence and loneliness, I was on my own . . . a wild animal in heat. Shoving a cassette into the tape deck, I danced to my easel and attacked the canvas. The works that evolved were my most profound, my Erotic Series.

Away from the studio I began wearing long, clingy knit dresses and dyed my black hair red. My friends stopped inviting me and kept silent when they saw me at functions. I felt I had become a fallen woman in their eyes. They were all married. Was I now a threat? Were they jealous?

When I moved to New York in 1988, nine years later, I left those infamous paintings parked in my Venice studio racks and then, when I bought an old factory in Tribeca, I hid them in my basement. They were my hidden past; no one in my new life could have guessed.

C HAPTER 2

Wedded Bliss

The day my new husband Bob Good dissected his first cadaver, he came home smelling of formaldehyde and practiced naming the internal organs of the body on me, as I lay naked on the bed in our small apartment in Los Angeles. I thought marriage was the answer to all of life’s problems. Our common goal was to make Bob a doctor. I loved being part of a team and was happier than I ever imagined possible.

His stress level seemed to escalate daily as we settled into domesticity, manifesting itself through his increased smoking. The cause, I presumed, was the fierce competition at school. He knew he had to work extra hard to compete with kids from highly educated, advantaged backgrounds.

We had been married four months when early one morning, Bob popped into our small kitchen, lit a cigarette, and placed it on the edge of the yellow tile sink. He ignited the burner to boil water for coffee and left the room to take a quick shower. Dripping wet, towel wrapped around his waist, he came back to take a puff, and yelled, “Elaine, where’s my cigarette?”

“I put it out.”
“You what?”
“I thought you forgot it.”

“If you ever touch my cigarettes again,” he shouted, “so help me, I’m out of here.”

A streak of fear shot through me. I stepped into the shower, letting the hot water calm me, then dressed in silence and drove him to school on my way to work. I hurried to clock in at J.J. Haggarty’s, a women’s specialty store in Beverly Hills; rode up the elevator to the ad department and sat at my layout and paste- up table as though nothing had changed. The ads and direct mails had to go out, and I needed the job. We were living on what I earned.

At the end of the day I clocked out, but instead of my usual dash, drove slowly west on Wilshire toward the hospital and turned on a classical station to soothe my churning stomach. When I arrived at the UCLA turn-around, Bob was already there, impatiently pacing. He got in, immediately shut my music off and reached into his lab coat pocket for a cigarette, lit it, and leaning back, blew the smoke straight up toward the roof of the car.

“Busy day,” he said, “it’ll be good to get home.” I tried to smile and speak, but the words stuck in my throat and refused to come out.

As I prepared dinner, Bob sat with his scotch and Pall Malls. We ate our meatloaf and mashed potatoes as I listened to his day’s events, then he went into the bedroom to study. I did the dishes, then silently got out the old sewing machine from my dress- making days to continue putting together the living room drapes.

We met in our last year of college in Dr. Garfinkel’s Social Disorganization class. I had just transferred to UCLA from Cal Berkeley. A dark-haired fellow with perfect features motioned me over with his eyes. I plunked my books down on the desk and slipped into the seat next to him. After that initial day we often studied together, and I came to realize that Bob had a brilliant mind, was sensitive, idealistic and different than the other boys I had dated. He wanted to heal the world. Being a doctor was his dream; mine was marriage and a family.

When he came to my house during our courtship, my father would call up to me, “Elaine, your breath of sunshine is here,” and I would shyly come down the staircase, take his hand, and we’d be on our way in his creamy 1950 Ford coupe. He was every- thing, and we fell in love. Our dating lasted a year, culminating with Kappa Sigma serenading as I accepted his fraternity pin.

On the 9th of June, 1957, smoldering gray clouds threatened rain as our wedding was taking place in my parents’ small back yard. In his rented white tux jacket and black pants with a silk stripe up the sides, Bob had a pasted-on nervous grin during the entire afternoon. I could feel his knees shake as we danced, tripping over the train of my white organdy gown, as the combo sere- naded and the singer imitated Frank Sinatra.

We were both twenty-two and frightened, but marriage was what we did in the fifties after college; it was expected. After we cut the cake and stuffed it into each others’ mouths for the photo shoot, he gently put his arm around my waist and whispered, “Can we get out of here? I’m suffocating.” I wanted to stay, but could see he was desperate, and I did not know how to say no.

We ran down the wide brick steps as the crowd threw rice. Cans clinked on the road, tied to the back fender of the new blue and white Ford, a gift from my parents. We drove three blocks and stopped to take them off. I blurted out, “I want to go back; everyone we care about is in that house.” But we were on our way, and there was no turning back.

Medical school was his obsession. But at the end of his third year, after being exhausted from studying and smoking all night, he said, “I’ve got to get away or I’ll crack.” The next day, he mentioned that he was thinking about dropping out of school. I was deter- mined not to let him do it. Summer was approaching, and I felt it was crucial that we go on a trip. He was physically and emotion- ally collapsing. In Haggarty’s drab, gray executive office on the third floor, I waited for the supervisor to beg my case. I had been there two years with no vacation, and hesitantly sputtered out my need for time off with pay.

With her white hair piled high on her head, wearing a maroon skirted suit and matching pumps, she reached out, and put her hands on my shoulders. “My dear, I’m so sorry, that’s impossible. We’re starting a huge promotion next month. Direct mails and ads will be flying out of here. We can’t do without your position, and so many are waiting in line for your job.”

So, in spite of needing the income, I reluctantly quit, worrying how we would survive. Could I get another job?

We drove south to the Mexican border, wound our way around to the interior of Sonora, turned on the radio and, looking at each other, burst out laughing. Nat King Cole was singing “That Lucky Old Sun” and we joined in. Bob’s cigarettes stayed in his pocket. The farther away from UCLA we drove, the more relaxed he became. We stopped in Hermosillo and ended up in Taxco, a quaint silver mining village nestled in the hills. We checked into the old colonial Hotel Victoria and walked hand in hand through the village, stopping to rest in the massive Santa Prisca de Taxco.

In one of the silversmith shops, I admired a shiny angular ring. Bob said, “Come on, let’s try it on for size.” The sales girl pulled it out from the window display and placed it on my index finger.

“We can’t afford this, Bob,” I said, as he dragged the salesgirl to the corner, then came back smiling.

“It’s yours!”

I reached up and gave him a big hug as he glowed and whis- pered in my ear. “It was under a dollar.”

We stuffed ourselves on homemade tamales and enchiladas, and later went back to our tiny lavender-colored room over- looking the small village.

When we returned home, I found a new job at Rose Marie Reid Swimsuit Company, doing essentially the same work, plus taking models on photo shoots and showing the new fashion line to ladies’ charity groups. I received double the pay and relished the glamour.

Three months after our trip, I had not gotten my period and was beginning to show. The gynecologist confirmed my suspi- cion. Wanting to surprise Bob that night with the news, I bought a bottle of cheap champagne and made chocolate chip cookies, his favorite. We had eaten dinner and were enjoying the cham- pagne. As he munched on a cookie, I said, “You know the day we hiked up the mountain in Taxco? When we returned, and church bells chimed as we made love in the Hotel Victoria, with the orange bougainvillea climbing its walls?” He flashed a broad smile, reached his arm out and pulled me close.

“I think that’s when we conceived . . . ” There was a long silence. “You’re serious?” “I saw the doctor today. I’m pregnant.”

His face turned ashen. I yearned for some token of affec- tion or simply: Sweetheart, that’s wonderful, a little baby on the way, our child. Instead, he stood there, glaring at me with a blank expression.

Wearing only a T-shirt and gray shorts, he nervously took out a cigarette. He looked away as he lit it and, without saying a word, inched his way over to the door and walked out.

I washed the dishes, put on my nightgown and robe, dragged one of our wicker dining chairs out onto our narrow wood slat deck, and poured myself a glass of the champagne. When my glass was empty, I brought the bottle out and sat in the cold November dark, waiting for him to return.

After drinking the rest of the bottle, I hobbled into bed and passed out. It must have been three or four in the morning when I smelled the odor of stale tobacco and felt his body close, his heavy arm wrapped around my back.

My svelte figure became thick as the months progressed, and after my sixth month, I could hide it no longer. It was embar- rassing, in my new glamorous job, and I anxiously waited each day to get the ax. Finally, as expected, I was summoned to the main office of Rose Marie Reid, where a committee of senior personnel greeted me, stone-faced, as if I had committed a crime. They told me I was fired for being pregnant. I accepted it without complaint, said “I’m sorry for disappointing you,” thanked them, and walked directly into the ladies’ bathroom, shaking, and vomited. It was 1960.

We never considered asking for financial help. His family could not afford it, and although my parents liked Bob, they were initially against the marriage because of our differing religious backgrounds. I knew they only wanted my happiness, but we were determined to make it on our own and too proud to give them the satisfaction of saying, “I told you so.”

Wearing my Aunt Pearl’s hand-me-down maternity clothes, I waited in the West Los Angeles Board of Equalization unem- ployment line each week, with the homeless and jobless, until our beautiful baby girl, Cindy, was born on the 25th of May 1960, and afterwards, until the benefits ran out. Bob stood in other lines to sell his blood and sperm. He often brought home baloney from the ten o’clock snack at the hospital in a paper towel, and we would eat it the next night for dinner.

The birth took place two weeks before Bob’s graduation. My parents stayed with little Cindy while I went to the ceremony. It was my first time out since Cindy’s arrival, and that day, sitting amongst the other wives and families wearing hats and fineries in the June sunshine, I was so proud to be a part of his journey. When he received his degree, as Bob reached the podium, I could see him searching the audience for me. When he saw me in the second row, his eyes lit up, and then the provost announced:

“To Robert Glen Good, I present this degree, Doctor of Medi- cine . . . and congratulations, you are this year’s recipient of the Summa Cum Laude award.” He graduated first in his class.

Two weeks later, in the morning mist of mid-June, the sun begin- ning to show its magical light, five new, young medical doctors piled into the crimson Chevy of the only woman in their gradu- ating class. Their destination was San Francisco for State Board exams. Bob hugged me good-bye, walked down the stairs, then surprised me by coming back up the two flights to hug little Cindy and kiss me again.

“Forgot to do this,” he said. “See you both in three days.” I thought, Three long days and nights alone with the baby. Can I manage without Bob nearby? The next day I walked into Westwood Village with Cindy in the stroller and sat in the sunshine, drinking coffee. Bob called that night from a pay phone to tell me the exams were tougher than he predicted. The following night, I drove over to my parents’ for dinner after waiting hours in the unemployment line with the fussing baby. On the third day, I sat with Cindy on the balcony at twilight, watching the sun go down and the moon come up, waiting for him. I thought, perhaps the exams have gone on longer than expected. The next day, I stayed home, expecting him all day, but he did not come or call. That night I started to panic, and called the police. Maybe they got into an accident. I described the car and route they were taking; the police assured me that no incident had occurred involving that description.

I called the wife of one member of the group. She put me on with her husband. “We decided to fly back. Bob’s driving with Janice; he should be home soon.”

By day five I still had not heard from him. What if something happened to the baby? I became frightened. On the sixth day, I was bathing Cindy when the front door sprung open at around noon, surprising me. Bob’s face was flushed. I wrapped the baby in a soft yellow towel, and we went into the living room. The baby and I were nestled together, trying to hug him, to show how happy we were to have him back. I noticed he was stammering, stand- offish, his eyes avoiding mine; he could not get the words out.

“We came back along Highway One,” he said, “stopped in Carmel. Such a beautiful drive.”

“I know, we were there on our honeymoon, remember?”

He said it was late and motels were expensive. They shared a room, and one thing led to another. “You know how it is.”

“You shared a room with Janice? Janice Kayahara? No, I don’t know how it is.”

I was numb as his confession sank in. I had the feeling that by admitting his betrayal, he imagined honesty would make up for his guilt. In a state of disbelief, stabbed in my gut, I could not look at or go near him. I spent the night holding Cindy on the living room couch while Bob slept soundly in the bed.

The next day, the bell rang in the apartment at noon. I opened the door, my long hair uncombed and my eyes bloodshot, wearing a red wrap robe with a Japanese dragon on the back. Holding the baby in my arms, I looked out and said, “Excuse me, do I know you?”

“I’m Janice Kayahara, from the medical school, remember? Wanted to give little Cindy a gift.” Bob peeked out from the bedroom in shock” src=”cid:image009.png@01D56C97.B5430EF0″ alt=”page18image20712″ border=”0″ class=”Apple-web-attachment” style=”width: 0.1666in; height: 0.0208in; opacity: 1;”>

Janice stood there reeking of cologne, her blouse tight and skirt short, with a fancy haircut. It had been so long since I had a professional cut. She handed me a present all wrapped in pink, with a flowered sleeper for the baby inside. Before I knew it, Bob was ushering her in, offering her coffee.

I put the baby in her bassinet, stepped into the bathroom to comb my hair, grabbed Bob’s shirt off the hook from last night and put on his gray shorts. Good grief, what’s she doing here? My hands trembled and a blast of pain shot through my head. I walked out holding my breath, needing to get rid of her. Sensing my anxiety, the baby started crying and would not stop. When Janice finally walked out the door, I didn’t allow myself to admit my treasured husband’s participation in the affair.

“How could you let that woman into our home?”

He stood silent, hands clasped together on his chest.

I dumped the flowered sleeper in the trash, prepared formula in bottles, turned on the burner to sterilize, gave him instructions to turn it off in twenty minutes, and placed the baby in his arms as he watched me in silence. He had never held her for more than moments. I took the keys and ran down the stairs.

With no place to go, I drove aimlessly, ending at Malibu Beach amid the June crowds. Down on the sand at the edge of the water, I let the waves wash over my feet. I lingered an hour, then panic set in. The baby was alone with Bob. Did he even know how to burp her? She could aspirate. I ran to the car and raced home amid rush hour traffic, dashing up the two flights of stairs. Out of breath, I marched in.

He had not moved in the two hours I had been gone. The formula was still cooking in the sterilizer; the baby’s diaper was wet and full. She was bright red, screaming, and he was helpless, in tears. In my muddled brain, I heard him say, “Sweetheart, I love you and little Cindy so much. I’m sorry, please forgive me.”

I gently picked the baby up without a word as Bob’s arms reached out to me, took her over to the changing table to clean her up, and went into the bedroom. Sitting in the garage-sale rocker, I unbuttoned my blouse and proceeded to nurse. Bob came in and sat on the edge of the yellow bedspread, blowing his nose. I noticed him checking his watch. Then his glazed eyes glanced at it again. I moved the baby to my other breast. In a few minutes, Bob looked at his wrist again, then abruptly came over and grabbed her away from me.

“What are you doing?”
“The text book says only ten minutes on each side.” “But she’s hungry, she’s not finished.”

He held her away from me and she started screaming. Then he took her to the living room, and put her on the couch, face up. I ran after him.

“Stop, Bob, you’re acting crazy.”

I lifted Cindy into my arms to burp, holding her very close, and we went back into the bedroom. I shut the door and sat down again, rocking back and forth until my little angel with big brown eyes and masses of dark, silky hair fell asleep. In retrospect, I know he only meant well, but he frightened me so much that I was reluctant to nurse again. How could I question the great doctor? He was now the voice of authority.